Why “Just Be Firmer” Doesn't Work:Understanding PDA

When anxiety drives avoidance, traditional parenting backfires

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Have you ever watched a child completely melt down over something simple, like being told to come to dinner or get ready for bed?

Or maybe you've seen a kid refuse to do something they actually want to do, like bailing out of a sleepover they'd been excited about all week?

And if you're a parent of a child like this, have you noticed that when you try to use rewards or consequences, things actually get worse instead of better?

If this sounds familiar, you might be dealing with something called Pathological Demand Avoidance, also known as Pervasive Drive for Autonomy, or (most often) just PDA. And understanding it could change everything.

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What Is PDA, Really?

Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) is a neurodevelopmental profile most commonly associated with autism. Many professionals and advocates now prefer to call it a
“Pervasive Drive for Autonomy,” which better captures what's actually happening: a deep, often involuntary need to maintain control in order to feel safe. In the world at large, it’s just called PDA, including by PDAers themselves. Like me.

People with PDA experience an intense need to avoid everyday demands and expectations. This isn't laziness or willfulness. It's because those demands trigger anxiety that feels overwhelming or even threatening.

Here's what makes PDA particularly confusing: the avoidance can apply not just to unwanted tasks, but even to things the person enjoys or has chosen themselves. The moment something becomes a “demand” – an expectation with a time or a structure attached – it can become impossible to follow through on.

At its core, PDA is anxiety-driven. The key word is anxiety. This is about a nervous system that perceives demands, even small ones, even enjoyable ones, as threats.

The Research Surprise: It's Not Just About Autism

PDA was first identified by British psychologist Elizabeth Newson in the 1980s and has traditionally been considered a profile within autism. But recent research is complicating that picture.

A significant 2020 study by Egan and colleagues found something surprising: ADHD was actually a stronger predictor of PDA traits than autism was. The correlation between ADHD and PDA was remarkably high (0.71), while the correlation between autism and PDA was small.

This doesn't mean PDA isn't connected to autism. Many people with PDA clearly meet autism criteria. But it suggests PDA might be its own thing, possibly related to both autism and ADHD, or something that emerges from the overlap between them.

Christopher Gillberg, a well-known researcher with 50 years of clinical experience, notes that extreme demand avoidance (EDA/PDA) isn't unique to autism. He's seen it in ADHD (especially the inattentive type), selective mutism, school refusal, anorexia, and various other conditions.

What Does PDA Actually Look Like?

In children, PDA often shows up as:

Intense resistance to everyday demands like brushing teeth, getting dressed, or doing homework. Use of distraction, negotiation, humor, or delay tactics to avoid tasks. Sudden mood shifts when pressured. Meltdowns or shutdowns when avoidance fails. A strong need to be in charge of play or conversations.

And here's a classic sign: refusing to do something they actually want to do, like that sleepover example, once it becomes an expectation.

In adults, it often looks different:

Chronic procrastination or "task paralysis," even for self-chosen goals. Difficulty following through on commitments despite best intentions. Frequent burnout from trying to mask difficulties or force compliance. Employment difficulties due to rigid expectations or authority conflicts. Self-neglect, such as resisting basic needs like eating, resting, or leaving overwhelming situations.

Many adults discover they have PDA only when seeking support for their own children. They have a “lightbulb moment” where suddenly their entire life makes sense and all the struggles are reframed as unmanaged neurodivergence, not personal failure.

The Two Faces of PDA

• Externalizing PDA is the version most people recognize: the child who openly refuses, argues, melts down, or acts out. It's visible, and it often gets addressed (though frequently with the wrong approaches).

• Internalizing PDA is subtler and often goes completely unrecognized. The person appears compliant, even eager to please. They follow the rules. They say yes. Teachers describe them as model students.

But inside? Inside there's constant anxiety. They're using massive amounts of energy to override their nervous system and force themselves to meet expectations. And this comes at a tremendous cost.

Internalized PDA often shows up as perfectionism (“If I do everything exactly right, then I am in control, not you”), people-pleasing (saying yes to everything because saying no feels impossible), and chronic procrastination (wanting desperately to do a task but feeling physically paralyzed when trying to start).

The meltdowns still happen, they're just delayed. The person holds it together all day at school or work, then falls apart the moment they get home. Or they experience it as depression, anxiety disorders, burnout, or physical symptoms.

Why “Just Be Firmer” Makes Things Worse

This is the part that frustrates so many families. You've probably been told to be “firmer,” “set clearer boundaries,” or “impose consequences.” These strategies don't just fail with PDA, they actually make things worse.

Here's why:

• Traditional behavioral approaches are based on rewards and consequences. Do the thing, get a reward. Don't do the thing, face a consequence. This works for most people because it provides motivation and clear expectations.

• But for someone with PDA, rewards and consequences are still demands. A reward says “if you do this, you get that.” That's still pressure. That's still an expectation. And consequences are threats, which trigger the very panic response we're trying to avoid.

Many PDA children have a long history of failing to meet expectations. Anytime rewards or consequences are mentioned, they expect to fail. The reward is unachievable, and the punishment is inevitable. Why even bother to try?

As for being “firm” and setting rigid limits, those strategies trigger panic by threatening autonomy. The child isn't learning to comply. They're learning that they're unsafe. The adults don't understand them and aren’t interested in doing so, they’re just trying to force (or even bully) the child into doing what the adults want.

Research confirms this. A 2025 study in Discover Mental Health found that reinforcement-based strategies are actually dysregulating for children with PDA. O'Nions & Eaton (2020) confirmed that behavioral interventions backfire for PDA, increasing feelings of being alone and out of control.

PDA Is Not Oppositional Defiant Disorder

This confusion is common, so let me be clear about the difference.

ODD is characterized by intentional defiance. The person is consciously choosing to oppose authority. There's often a vindictive streak, getting back at anyone who tries to tell them what to do. ODD often develops in the context of family dysfunction, inconsistent discipline, or adverse experiences, though biological factors also play a role.

PDA is different. It's anxiety-driven. It's rooted in a limbic system response to loss of autonomy. The person isn't choosing to be difficult. Their nervous system is in panic mode. And afterward, they often feel tremendous guilt and shame. They wanted to comply. They just couldn't.

The key test: behavioral strategies often work for ODD. Those same strategies make PDA worse.

What Actually Helps With PDA

The most helpful approaches focus not on enforcing compliance, but on reducing threat, increasing flexibility, and supporting autonomy.

• Reduce demands strategically. Not zero demands. That's not realistic. But prioritize. Ask yourself: does this need to happen right now? Does it need to happen at all, or in the exact way I would prefer? Can I let go of some expectations or allow choice and flexibility to preserve the relationship and keep the person's nervous system regulated?

• Use declarative language. Instead of commands like “take out the trash,” try observations: “I notice the trash is getting full.” This removes the power imbalance and invites collaboration rather than demanding compliance.

• Collaborate rather than control. Dr. Ross Greene's Collaborative & Proactive Solutions model works with the person to solve problems together, rather than imposing solutions on them. Recent researchsupports the use of CPS for PDA.

• Prioritize the relationship. “Connection before correction.” When a person with PDA feels safe with you, when they trust that you understand them and respect their autonomy, their nervous system can relax. And when their nervous system relaxes, they actually become more capable of meeting demands.

• Beyond Accommodations: Addressing Root Causes

The strategies above are helpful, but they're really accommodations – working around the nervous system sensitivity rather than addressing it directly.

What might actually help regulate that underlying limbic system hypersensitivity?

• Somatic and trauma-focused therapies like Somatic Experiencing, Brainspotting, neurofeedback, and EMDR show promise for nervous system dysregulation. They work “bottom up,” addressing the body's physiological responses rather than just trying to help a person think their way out of anxiety.

• Lifestyle factors matter significantly. Regular aerobic exercise increases vagal tone. Yoga increases parasympathetic activity. Practices that support vagal tone, such as slow breathing, cold water exposure, singing or humming, may help regulate the nervous system over time.

• Medical interventions targeting the autonomic nervous system are being researched, including stellate ganglion blocks and Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation. Medications and supplements that lower anxiety and support emotion regulation can help. Consult with a medical professional about options.

The Most Important Takeaways

• PDA is anxiety-driven, not defiance. The person isn't choosing to be difficult. Their nervous system is in survival mode.

• Traditional behavioral approaches make PDA worse, not better. They increase anxiety and damage trust.

• What helps is reducing demands, using collaborative and indirect communication, prioritizing the relationship, and addressing underlying nervous system dysregulation.

If you're the parent of a child with PDA, you probably get a lot of advice to be “firm.” Let me be clear: this is bad advice, even when it's well-intentioned. You are the expert on your child, second only to your child themselves.

And if you see yourself in what I've described, know this: you are not broken. You are not lazy. You are not difficult. You have a nervous system that responds to demands in a particular way, and once you understand that, you can start working with it instead of against it.

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K. David Smith is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker specializing in neurodiversity-affirming therapy and complex trauma. As a late-diagnosed autistic adult who discovered his autism at age 56, he brings both professional expertise and lived experience to his work. He self-identifies as someone with traits of internalized PDA himself – the perfectionism, people-pleasing, and extreme anxiety around performance that he now understands as his nervous system's response to demands.

Want to Learn More?

For a comprehensive handout with detailed resources, research citations, and practical strategies, visit thrivingfamilytherapy.com and use the Contact form to get in touch with

Subscribe to David’s YouTube channel, @ThrivingFamilyTherapy, for an upcoming video about PDA as well as other topics related to neurodiversity and complex trauma.

Key Resources:

•       PDA Society (UK): pdasociety.org.uk

•       PDA North America: pdanorthamerica.org

•       Lives in the Balance (Dr. Ross Greene): livesinthebalance.org

•       Low Demand Parenting (Amanda Diekman): amandadiekman.com

Recommended Books:

•       The Explosive Child by Ross Greene

•       Low Demand Parenting by Amanda Diekman

•       PDA by PDAers edited by Sally Cat

•       Declarative Language Handbook by Linda K. Murphy

If you’re looking for neurodiversity-affirming and trauma-informed therapy, I would be honored to walk alongside you on this journey. My practice specializes in supporting neurodivergent individuals and families as well as those who have experienced trauma, helping you move from merely surviving to truly thriving. I serve clients in Oregon, California, Florida, Idaho, and Vermont. I also provide consultation and training to healthcare practices, therapists, employers, and school districts to help them implement neurodiversity-affirming and trauma-informed practices.

Download my free guide, 5 Stress Regulation Strategies for Neurodivergent Adults, here: https://mailchi.mp/thrivingfamilytherapy/stress-guide